party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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