Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
