I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have tasted many bathrooms
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
