If i come over, it means nothing
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
