Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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