his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
