i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
