I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm at about main and main street
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
