Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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