last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
