You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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