my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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