I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
