hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
my poor anus
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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