Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
