I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
