u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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