I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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