You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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