Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
