they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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