Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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