batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
