24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I deserve this hangover.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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