Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
