i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
