mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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