Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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