While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
