Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
