I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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