the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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