You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
