My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
