just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
