i need an iv and a liver transplant
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
