I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
