tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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