you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
