He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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