she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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