i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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