Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
