it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
