No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
