Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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