Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
