I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
