Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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