I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my shit smells like andre
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
