She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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