: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
