Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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